Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I may not be to your liking.

So as I stated previously, I am off my meds!  Been on them for years and the doc and I decided to try something completely different after I started having side effects that I didn't want to deal with.

Now that a few months have past, I think I finally can tell that it is all out of my body and can decide if it was the right choice.  And it WAS!

Granted, life will never be rainbows and butterflies...but at least now when it is...I FEEL IT! And when it is Thorns and Assholes...I feel that too.  Of course that is the down side.

I finally feel completely clear.  Like I can think without this huge fog clouding my head up with garbage telling me everything is FINE.

The word fine kind of pisses me off actually.

The best part is hearing people tell me how much they like how I am off the medication.  I have had friends tell me that I am more fun, my mom told me that I seem clearer and less blah.

The hard part is there are others that don't really get that my personality is not meant to be BLAH.  It is not meant to be one of someone who sits on the sidelines watching things happen. I like to make things happen and for the longest time...that has all been stuck in my head.  I felt trapped in my own mind by the meds.

I may not be little Miss Suzie Sunshine to everyone around me, making everyone happy all the time, and trying to ensure everyone feels good but I feel better, I am happy. That is what matters. 

I guess to those that don't like the way I really am...the way I am suppose to be, I can't control that.  And that is something I am finding has helped me out a lot over the last couple months.  I can't control everything.  I can't juggle all the balls of life around and keep them all in the air.  Not without help anyway. 

I can't control how people feel about me, those feelings are theirs and theirs to deal with.  But most importantly, I am not taking their feelings as my own.  I am not pulling their feelings into my head and believing that they are ultimately correct.  I have my own feelings, I know why I act the way I do and cannot control if someone else perceives it as a negative behavior just because it isn't what they are used to.

And to those people...I hope you at least try to stick around....try to understand me for who I am and accept me that way. I was never fake...more like bottled up. But if you can't accept me for me, I get it.  Not everyone is everyone else's cup of tea right? 

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