Trying to Learn Twitter....AGAIN.

So this morning I had my first Panic attack since coming off my meds...well if you don't count the one I had last weekend....But that one was more rage induced instead of pure panic. 

The clock was ticking away and of course....like every day mainly...Nick was taking his dear sweet time in the shower. 

WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU DO IN THERE!

I had the palm sweating, the shaking, the feeling of being in a very small box that has just been buried deep below the deepest floor of the ocean.  You know..I basically freaked the fuck out! All because of the damn clock!

So the car ride consisted of cricket silence and me reading Jenny Lawson's book.

I love that my husband and I work at the same place. Gives us lots of time to chat during the day....oh wait...I mean work. Yeah that's what we do there!

ME:  Sorry for the mini melt down this morning.

NICK:  Sorry for being a zombie this morning.

ME:  Well at least you didn't eat my brains.  I mean, Friday's are hard enough to get through without being braindead.

So we made up. It was nice. And I feel better.

I started playing around on the internet...then I remember I signed up for Twitter a long time ago and maybe I should check my account to see if anything interesting is happening there. 

I realized as I was playing around on it that I really just have no clue what the purpose of it is and really posting things really doesn't do much since I have a whole 23 people following my boring ass.

THEN.....

NICK: Lots to do, not getting anything I was supposed to get done. SOMEONE is consuming the entire day

ME: Well I am bored out of my mind!

NICK:     you can have my work 

ME:       Hmmmm no thank you! 

NICK:     OK be my Cube body guard. Everytime she comes in, you throw her out 

ME:       Trying to figure out how to make Twitter fun since I don't seem to have many people following me...posting really isn't that entertaining. Can I punch them in the throat? Soft tissue punches are the best! 

NICK:     Babe, you can and I'll take video. 

ME:       AND WE CAN POST IT ON TWITTER! That would get people to follow my boring ass! 

NICK:     Twitter is my main source of news. 

ME:       You know I don't like news! smh 

NICK:     But the books you read, do you follow those writers? 

ME:       Yes I twittered to one today telling her to write another one so I can survive. No response  wait...is twittered a word? 

NICK:     tweeted 

ME:       Ah thanks...see I am not good at this bird lingo! 

Sometimes things have a mind of their own.

I honest to (well whatever the hell I believe in) swear that the foods and silverware and dishes in my home actually come to life.  I SWEAR IT!  I mean no one can be soooo clueless or unable to control their food urges to the extent that I do. So it must be the food!

For instance...last night...I ate three bowls of cereal after dinner last night which was a horrible idea...I know.  BUT it wasn't totally my fault. You see the Cereal was in the kitchen and it was fighting with the peanuts that were in the cupboard so I had to separate the two.  When I did, the cereal jumped into the bowl and started fighting with the spoon.  I happen to get too close when trying to break it up and the Cereal then decided to jump down my throat and proceed to Kung fu with the healthy food I ate all day yesterday.  So I didn't sleep with all the kung fu in my tummy.

It was a very evil type of cereal too. All hyped up on Sugar. I swear if it had thumbs, it would have stabbed me with a spork!

I can't be the only person that this shit happens to!

If I think back...even the foods that are invited into my house have a tendency to come to life on my counter top.  Like they are part of a gang and ended up on the wrong side of the tracks and it is survival of the fittest and apparently the Pizza Man pizza is much stronger than I am!  I really tried to protect the plates but the pizza totally jumped right out of the box and landed on the plate like it was nobody's business.  To save the plate I had surrender myself to the Pizza.

I am just that caring about my dishes!

I have not invited a Pizza Man pizza in my house since either! I have learned my lesson.  Violent foods should be avoided at all cost!

And they are deceiving too.  Making me think they are there for me in a crisis.  All warm and cozy like.  Just eat me up and you will feel forever better! THEY LIE MAN! You eat those little bastards and you know what they do??? They upset your tummy...then make you feel all bloated and achy. And worse yet, your pants get all tight and uncomfortable too!   Like they are attacking you from the inside!

It is fucking insane!  

I may not be to your liking.

So as I stated previously, I am off my meds!  Been on them for years and the doc and I decided to try something completely different after I started having side effects that I didn't want to deal with.

Now that a few months have past, I think I finally can tell that it is all out of my body and can decide if it was the right choice.  And it WAS!

Granted, life will never be rainbows and butterflies...but at least now when it is...I FEEL IT! And when it is Thorns and Assholes...I feel that too.  Of course that is the down side.

I finally feel completely clear.  Like I can think without this huge fog clouding my head up with garbage telling me everything is FINE.

The word fine kind of pisses me off actually.

The best part is hearing people tell me how much they like how I am off the medication.  I have had friends tell me that I am more fun, my mom told me that I seem clearer and less blah.

The hard part is there are others that don't really get that my personality is not meant to be BLAH.  It is not meant to be one of someone who sits on the sidelines watching things happen. I like to make things happen and for the longest time...that has all been stuck in my head.  I felt trapped in my own mind by the meds.

I may not be little Miss Suzie Sunshine to everyone around me, making everyone happy all the time, and trying to ensure everyone feels good but I feel better, I am happy. That is what matters. 

I guess to those that don't like the way I really am...the way I am suppose to be, I can't control that.  And that is something I am finding has helped me out a lot over the last couple months.  I can't control everything.  I can't juggle all the balls of life around and keep them all in the air.  Not without help anyway. 

I can't control how people feel about me, those feelings are theirs and theirs to deal with.  But most importantly, I am not taking their feelings as my own.  I am not pulling their feelings into my head and believing that they are ultimately correct.  I have my own feelings, I know why I act the way I do and cannot control if someone else perceives it as a negative behavior just because it isn't what they are used to.

And to those people...I hope you at least try to stick around....try to understand me for who I am and accept me that way. I was never fake...more like bottled up. But if you can't accept me for me, I get it.  Not everyone is everyone else's cup of tea right? 

JUST FUCKING RUN!

OK I pretty much suck lately.  Attitude, sucks.  Eating, Sucks. Workouts, SUCK!  Everything that I once loved about myself....Yeah...pretty much sucks lately.  But it is all relative really.  My attitude went down hill because of a little Cheating bitch that seems to think her actions do not effect others since her husband doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

You KNOW I just wanna be like dude...open your freakin eyes.  But there are kiddos involved and that makes things so much worse. 

I know...I should just forget about knowing the information...I should just move past it and get over the bullshit.  I CAN'T!  I want to more than anything! Seriously, it eats at my stomach. 

So I have been all spittin' vinegar for the past month or so....and when I do that I have a hard time staying away from carbs and all other foods created by Satan himself. 

So I have been eating like a complete moron.  I reign it in but then it gets out of control again and again and again....

Well when I eat crap food...I get no results from my workouts...and my workouts are harder because I feel like the food that I ate....CRAP!  AND THENNNNNNNNNN My attitude goes even further into the fucking SHITTER!

I have been trying new programs, new food choices, reading articles about happy things trying to develop a new attitude.  HEAD DESK!

I need something that is going to work...something that will exhaust me to no end and at the same time bring the HAPPY BACK!  Think think think.....

WHY AM I NOT FUCKING RUNNING????????? The feeling of propelling myself into motion.  Being under my own control. No one talking...no one making excuses...no one judging.  Just fucking run away from it all for even just a little while. And hopefully...just run right back to where I used to be! 

My happy place is on the pavement...it always has been. The one place where I can feel free~