And in the beginning

2013 is starting out pretty good if I do say so myself.  I have started to really pay attention to what I am putting in my body again, found a class at the gym that I really really enjoy, met one of my long time internet friends FINALLY in person and we have been going to the class together, and the big one....I have been given permission to start a running program again!  Ah-mazing!

Putting good things in my body makes me feel good...not sluggish and tired.  I keep reminding myself of that when I think I want pizza lol.  It isn't always easy to change these behaviors.  After a long time of eating these things far too often, your body craves them. It is hard to remember how wonderful the lean meats, fruits and veggies all taste when you actually take the time to prepare, cook and eat them. Better yet is the energy and alertness I feel when I eat them.  How easy it is to forget.

Part of this year is going to be exposing myself to things I am not comfortable with.  Let's be honest here...I am outgoing but only with people I know pretty well.  Otherwise...it is back in my clam shell! So I wanted to try a class at the y....but something scary was in that room, I knew it! I just couldn't bring myself to go in there alone last year. After chatting away with my amazing friend Nicole (whom I had never actually met in person. Internet friends exist people!) we decided we would try it together.  Don't ask me why I was afraid to meet her in person. I mean we click online wonderfully.  I got myself to the Y just fine, and sat outside class with my guts all in knots.  Nicole showed up and she was just as funny and normal as she has been every other time we have "spoken".  We both went in a little uneasy about what we were about to do but as the class started and we were going through the motions....we survived it! And now plan on making it a regular thing...minus the anxiety of course!

My physical therapist and I have been working on fixing my plantar faciitis and the underlying causes of it.  Two things...my arch crashes down when my foot hits the ground and my hip drops due to me not using my ass.(who doesn't use their ass?)  I was given orthotics to help with the arch support and told not to walk around barefoot....like ever. Okay so my mother in law bought me some amazing Haflinger slippers.  Not using my ass has been a little more work.  Every time I go in, they have me jump on the treadmill to see if there is improvement, and if there is they increase the difficulty of the exercises they give me.  More weight or more difficult exercise all together. I have to say, with all the workouts I have ever done, my ass has never been more sore.  On the up side, I have noticed that even with my squats and lunges my body is starting to do the things it SHOULD be doing.  So this whole physical therapy thing must be working right? LOL

Last week I was given a running schedule. It is basic intervals. Run 4 walk 1 for 20 to 30 minutes, if I don't have pain in my foot the following workout can increase the run by one minute and decrease the walk by one until I am running the full 20 to 30 minutes.  I have "ran" twice with very minimal discomfort afterwards, mainly leg pains from not doing it for so long!

I am really looking forward to seeing the amazing things my body can do again this year.  I miss it. I miss being active, I miss being ME!

Amazing things for 2013

I am back.

But all I am saying is amazing things are coming in 2013.

But only if you let them!

Depression is an asshole!

So how do you go about telling your loved ones that you hate life, want to crawl in a hole and just be alone for the rest of eternity and you really cannot give them a reason why or a how to fucking fix it. I get no enjoyment from things that I know I should. I go through each day hoping the day ends soon...wishing entire weeks away but smiling so no one asks what is wrong. I can't fucking explain what is wrong and I don't want to have to.

Oh that's right you tell them you have depression and it is an asshole and there is nothing they can do about it so leave me the Fuck alone. 

Now that can't be right....maybe I should thank them for their concern but honestly here is nothing anyone can really do to fix it?

Ugh....this shit is making me miss people I had in my life forever ago....people I had amazing bonds with that understood me....the people I could be bitchy with or goofy with when the mood would strike. The girls I used to blare the music in the car with and we would scream or sing along. We would make up words and laugh. Ever since I lost those people I have been struggling to find people that helped me feel way but have fail miserably.

So If you were wondering where I have been....why I haven't written much since July....I have been in my own personal shithole head.

I take it back...

I guess I have now received the memo?  In the form of a Save the Date.  I have been invited to one of the functions that all the other suburbia mom's engulf themselves in on a regular basis.  To make matters even more intimidating...it is a double!  The save the date is for an Uppercase living demo and something called Thirty-One(which I thought was just a number until I googled it.). 

Let the anxiety ensue!  (I'll take a vodka diet on the rocks, hold the diet and the rocks!)

First off....I don't exactly decorate my home.  I mean, there is stuff in my home but I wouldn't consider it Uppercase Living kind of decor! I also have no need for even more Bags in my house.  I get the cheap ones/free ones at races I participate in or buy the cub ones when I really need to. 

Second...why is it that these women only get together to help each other spend money?  Something I am lacking significantly lately. It is always things that I honestly see no need to have in my home.  Quotes on my walls? Really?  No thank you.

This leads me to wonder...where they got the story lines for Desperate house wives. Those women had Poker night....drinks on the porch and serious gossip sessions in the street!  All this time I have been being lied to by my favorite network television shows.  They show neighborhoods of people gathering, children playing and parents having their vodka on the rocks in the streets. These are the things I long for. BBQ's with the neighbors while the kids all play ball together. Everyone discussing the latest milestone each child has encountered.  Helping each other with home projects while sharing a bottle of wine or case of beer.

I get instead, house parties where a consultant comes to sell me things that I can ensure them many times I do not need, yet end up leaving $150 broker and a promise that my items will arrive in 4 to 6 weeks. 

Maybe I can teach these women a thing or two about how this really should be done. 

Suburbia is sucking the life out of me.

I am a suburbia mom.

How the Fuck did this happen. I mean I have never been the ultra hip, night club going, designer dress wearing type. But suburban mom kind of snuck up on me.
I kind of pictured my life in the city...cool loft condo, coffee houses, and without kids.

I guess this is where I should tell you I do love my boys. I promise.

There are just a whole lot of times during the week where....I am not quite sure how I got here.

School carnivals, parent teacher meetings, swim lessons, play dates, playing tooth fairy and santa clause....the list goes on and on. And to make matters worse, I swear I have nothing in common with these other women.

They seem so happy in their lives of PTA meetings and soccer games. It just all terrifies the shit out of me.

They have formed these groups....people that get together for birthdays at Chuck e cheese and antigravity zone. They go on "Girl's Weekends" at cabins together and all have been friends for years. And somehow...even though I am a young mom....I missed the memo. Or maybe they just decided not to send it to me. Either way....I am not in the loop.

Sometimes I feel that if I would be included in these ultra seclusive groups maybe all this suburbia life would be so much easier to deal with...maybe being included would make all the blandness of suburbia feel more alive.

Trying to Learn Twitter....AGAIN.

So this morning I had my first Panic attack since coming off my meds...well if you don't count the one I had last weekend....But that one was more rage induced instead of pure panic. 

The clock was ticking away and of course....like every day mainly...Nick was taking his dear sweet time in the shower. 

WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU DO IN THERE!

I had the palm sweating, the shaking, the feeling of being in a very small box that has just been buried deep below the deepest floor of the ocean.  You know..I basically freaked the fuck out! All because of the damn clock!

So the car ride consisted of cricket silence and me reading Jenny Lawson's book.

I love that my husband and I work at the same place. Gives us lots of time to chat during the day....oh wait...I mean work. Yeah that's what we do there!

ME:  Sorry for the mini melt down this morning.

NICK:  Sorry for being a zombie this morning.

ME:  Well at least you didn't eat my brains.  I mean, Friday's are hard enough to get through without being braindead.

So we made up. It was nice. And I feel better.

I started playing around on the internet...then I remember I signed up for Twitter a long time ago and maybe I should check my account to see if anything interesting is happening there. 

I realized as I was playing around on it that I really just have no clue what the purpose of it is and really posting things really doesn't do much since I have a whole 23 people following my boring ass.

THEN.....

NICK: Lots to do, not getting anything I was supposed to get done. SOMEONE is consuming the entire day

ME: Well I am bored out of my mind!

NICK:     you can have my work 

ME:       Hmmmm no thank you! 

NICK:     OK be my Cube body guard. Everytime she comes in, you throw her out 

ME:       Trying to figure out how to make Twitter fun since I don't seem to have many people following me...posting really isn't that entertaining. Can I punch them in the throat? Soft tissue punches are the best! 

NICK:     Babe, you can and I'll take video. 

ME:       AND WE CAN POST IT ON TWITTER! That would get people to follow my boring ass! 

NICK:     Twitter is my main source of news. 

ME:       You know I don't like news! smh 

NICK:     But the books you read, do you follow those writers? 

ME:       Yes I twittered to one today telling her to write another one so I can survive. No response  wait...is twittered a word? 

NICK:     tweeted 

ME:       Ah thanks...see I am not good at this bird lingo! 

Sometimes things have a mind of their own.

I honest to (well whatever the hell I believe in) swear that the foods and silverware and dishes in my home actually come to life.  I SWEAR IT!  I mean no one can be soooo clueless or unable to control their food urges to the extent that I do. So it must be the food!

For instance...last night...I ate three bowls of cereal after dinner last night which was a horrible idea...I know.  BUT it wasn't totally my fault. You see the Cereal was in the kitchen and it was fighting with the peanuts that were in the cupboard so I had to separate the two.  When I did, the cereal jumped into the bowl and started fighting with the spoon.  I happen to get too close when trying to break it up and the Cereal then decided to jump down my throat and proceed to Kung fu with the healthy food I ate all day yesterday.  So I didn't sleep with all the kung fu in my tummy.

It was a very evil type of cereal too. All hyped up on Sugar. I swear if it had thumbs, it would have stabbed me with a spork!

I can't be the only person that this shit happens to!

If I think back...even the foods that are invited into my house have a tendency to come to life on my counter top.  Like they are part of a gang and ended up on the wrong side of the tracks and it is survival of the fittest and apparently the Pizza Man pizza is much stronger than I am!  I really tried to protect the plates but the pizza totally jumped right out of the box and landed on the plate like it was nobody's business.  To save the plate I had surrender myself to the Pizza.

I am just that caring about my dishes!

I have not invited a Pizza Man pizza in my house since either! I have learned my lesson.  Violent foods should be avoided at all cost!

And they are deceiving too.  Making me think they are there for me in a crisis.  All warm and cozy like.  Just eat me up and you will feel forever better! THEY LIE MAN! You eat those little bastards and you know what they do??? They upset your tummy...then make you feel all bloated and achy. And worse yet, your pants get all tight and uncomfortable too!   Like they are attacking you from the inside!

It is fucking insane!